I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
