If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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