is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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