also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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