You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
