You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
