When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
