Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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