he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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