i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
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