I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
