hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
