My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
