Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
