We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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