I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
