The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
