Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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