one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀