He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
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Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!