I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
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I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
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Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.