Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
