A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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