just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
