it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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