just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
