you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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