Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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