i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
