I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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