oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
