Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
