Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
