In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize