I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
