I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
