if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
