Im at strip club and am horny
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This gyro tastes like lonliness
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I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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