I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Found your dick twin last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
