Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
