I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
