Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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