Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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