I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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