Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
