Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
