Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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