We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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