Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
