we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
