I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
