I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
