capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
