He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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