went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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