The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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