The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
