the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
