dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
