As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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