So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
